Friday, April 23, 2010

mind games.

so, it's been over a week now that i've been trying to successfully resume breastfeeding piper.  it's been terribly stressful and not going well at all.  yesterday was such a bad day that i officially decided to quit.  i was sad and disappointed in myself for not being able to fix things.

i took the kids out for a walk shortly after my big decision.  i needed fresh air and we all needed to get out of the house.  a funny thing happened on that walk.  a weight appeared to be lifting.  i, all of a sudden, didn't feel so stressed or overwhelmed.  all was ok.  it wasn't the end of the world that i was done nursing.  piper is just shy of nine months old and i had met the two goals i had originally set for us.  first, i wanted to make it to six months and then second, i wanted to make it until we went to disney.  it was only a few weeks before disney that i had decided to continue nursing to a year if we could as i just wasn't ready to quit.

so really, what was the problem?  it wasn't the end of the world, or her world.  and, all of a sudden i started feeling some freedom in my decision.  wow.  i wouldn't necessarily have to be the one to get up with piper in the morning if she woke up early.  if she was taking bottles full time, gene could now participate and share in that responsibility.  i wouldn't have to schedule my day around her feedings and or need to be home for them.  i wouldn't get anymore calls while at target saying the baby is awake and i need to come home to feed her.  gene could take care of this now.  nice!

my anxiety was instantly gone.  my "end of the world" feelings and pressure to make it work was gone. plus, i was going to pump to continue to feed her as much breast milk as i could and i have a freezer stash to tap into as well.  all was going to be ok.

when we got back from our walk it was time to feed piper.  for the first time in a week, i wasn't nervous about it.  so, i thought to myself, why not give nursing another try?  no big deal if it doesn't work because, well, i've officially quit.  no strings attached.  no pressure.  and guess what?  we had one of our best sessions since i returned home.  and then another, and then another.  and so far so good today, too.  i guess saying i was quitting (and meaning it) was all i really needed to do to let it all go.

now, i'm not saying we're fixed.  we may still have issues.  my anxiety over it may return.  but, for now, i'm in a much happier place, taking it day by day, with no pressure.  who would've thought that quitting would have been the best thing i could do?!


Stephanie said...

I'm glad you're feeling better about this, Tracy. I remember when BFing wasn't going well, I felt like such a failure. I think it's really important to feel OK and know that you've done such a great job. There's a lot more life and a lot more parenting to come (as you well know!).

The Roses said...

Glad to hear you are feeling better about the whole situation - what is best for Mommy is best for baby!